


Creepy Gay Uncle

by Pennywiser



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Eventual Smut, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Gay Richie Tozier, Kid Fic, M/M, Meet-Cute, Richie is a the Creepy Gay Uncle, So many tropes, Tropes, eddie has a pomeranian who totally hates richie, he's not actually creepy, there WILL be nail painting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-10
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2020-12-07 15:27:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20978144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pennywiser/pseuds/Pennywiser
Summary: Turns out, looking after your niece isn't actually that bad. Especially when your niece is an incredible wing-woman.





	Creepy Gay Uncle

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is - the first chapter of my AU! I'm super excited about this, especially after all your lovely replies on my last fic.  
The title is, of course, taken from 'The Skeleton Twins' which is an amazing movie, that you all should go watch after reading this fic if you haven't seen it yet (and if you have seen it, just watch it again!), and I'm not just saying that because I have a massive crush on both Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig. It's genuinely incredible!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this!

Richie Tozier is uncomfortable. He’s sitting in one of those wooden chairs at his local Starbucks and there’s very little in life that he hates more than the wooden Starbucks chairs. Unfortunately, his sister also hates those chairs. Monica Tozier, however, is a good deal faster than him (she goes to the gym at least twice a week; sometimes she even goes on hikes) and had slid onto the green leather booth before Richie could get there, grinning at him. She had made Richie get their coffees (_‘You’re paying, I know how well those DVDs are selling!’_) and he had promptly burned the roof of his mouth on his black venti coffee. Great.

Monica had taken the chance to announce her plans to him: She was going on a business trip to Finland for two weeks and could Richie pretty please look after her daughter for the time being.

‘Monica, I really don’t think that’s a good idea’, Richie groans.

‘Please, Rich! You’d be doing me a huge favour!’

Richie rolls his eyes. This is on him, really. He should have known better. Of fucking course, his sister doesn’t just call him to get coffee. Of course, she would want something. This was typical Monica-behaviour. But this? This was really unexpected. Richie takes another sip of his coffee, making sure it’s cooled down. He still hisses as the drink makes contact with the burned area in his mouth. He ought to put some Aloe Vera on it or something. He looks up at Monica.

She is looking at him with those puppy dog eyes that had always worked on their parents. No way were they going to work on him. This was one number too big.

‘I can’t look after Lily for _two weeks_, Mon! A weekend, sure. But two weeks?’

‘Please, Richie! This work trip is super important, I could get a promotion!’

‘Why the fuck are they even thinking about sending a single-mom to fucking Finland? That’s insane!’

Monica mumbles something into her coffee.

‘What was that?’

She sighs. ‘I might have told them, that I have this wonderful brother who will happily help whenever he can, at the interview.’

‘For fucks sake, Mon! It’s two weeks. For all you know I could be busy.’

‘You’re not’, Monica states, ‘you finished your tour two months ago, I’m sure the nation is sick of seeing your face for a while.’

‘I could have interviews scheduled, talk show appearances, the whole shebang. I’m a successful comedian, darling’, he puts on his fake British accent, that he knows his sister secretly loves.

‘Like I said, you just finished touring. You have nothing to talk about.’

‘My apartment isn’t babyproof’, Richie sighs exasperated, ‘There’s no bars by the stairs and I don’t have these cover thingies for sockets.’

‘Lily’s almost six, I’m sure she won’t electrocute herself’, Monica counters, ‘Come on, Rich she’ll behave herself. You’re her favourite person in the whole world!’

‘But it’s two weeks!’

‘_You_ said you couldn’t wait to be the creepy gay uncle! It’s time to step up and actually _be_ the creepy gay uncle’, Monica takes a sip of her drink and adds a little more quietly, ‘Plus I already told her that she’d be staying with you. You can’t say ‘no’, or you’ll break her little heart.’ Monica grins triumphantly.

‘You did what?’, Richie groans, ‘That’s not fair, Mon. I actually could have been busy!’

‘When’s the last time you left your apartment?’, she asks.

‘I’m out of my apartment right fucking now.’

‘Before that, asshole’, Monica rolls her eyes, ‘getting groceries doesn’t count!’, she adds quickly.

Richie gets his groceries delivered, but Monica doesn’t need to know that.

‘I had dinner with Bev and Ben last week’, he says. Dinner was two weeks ago, but Monica also doesn’t need to know that.

‘They live in same unit as you, Rich. I worry about you. You’re lonely!’

‘I was on tour for seven months, you can’t blame me for staying home after that!’, Richie says, knowing full well that Monica is right. He doesn’t go out too much. But hey, he’s got a lot of Netflix to catch up on and he actually does see Bev and Ben on a semi-regular basis. Sure, most of the time it’s when they’re getting their mail or when they bump into each other while taking out the trash, but they always talk. Bev would love it if Lily stayed with Richie for a couple of weeks. He knows that her and her husband have been trying to get pregnant for a while now. Bev’s pumped so full of hormones right now, he would have to pry Lily away from her.

It’s not like Richie doesn’t want his niece to stay with him. He absolutely adores her, he spoils her rotten whenever he gets to see her, but two weeks is a long time to keep an almost-six-year-old entertained. He and his sister have always had ADHD and while it has gotten better with age, Lily is a force to be reckoned with. She doesn’t sit still! Plus, it’s the summer holidays. She’ll be there, wanting to be amused 24/7. But apparently, as Monica had been so kind as to inform him, he doesn’t have a choice.

‘It’ll be good for you to get some life into that stuffy apartment of yours’, Monica continues.

‘Get off my dick, woman’, Richie groans.

She takes another sip. ‘Speaking of your dick-‘

‘Jesus Christ, have you no filter?’

‘- when’s the last time you’ve gotten laid?’

‘When’s the last time _you_’ve gotten laid?’

‘Rich.’ Monica waits for his reply.

‘I was on tour for seven fucking months, okay?’, he rolls his eyes again.

‘So? All the more reason! Different dick, every night! I bet you have groupies. People love sleeping with famous people.’

‘Monica”, Richie groans. He can feel his face heating up. ‘Can we please not?’

‘Will you take Lily?’

‘If you stop talking about my sex-life’, Richie agrees defeated. What choice does he have?

‘What sex life? Ok, I’m sorry!’, she puts up her hands in defence as she sees Richie’s death stare, ‘I’ll drop her off next Monday around noon, alright?’

Richie nods and watches Monica down the rest of her coffee.

‘Alright, I gotta go!’, she stands up and kisses Richie swiftly on the cheek. ‘She’s really looking forward to this, she’s already told all her friends about how excited she is to be spending two weeks with her uncle.’

Richie watches his sister leave and climbs over onto the booth, cradling his coffee in both hands.

_Maybe_, he thinks, _this won’t be too bad_.

**\---------------------------------------**

Oh, it is bad alright. It’s bad.

Richie had gotten up extra early on Monday. He had cleaned his whole apartment and he had even figured out how to turn the couch in the living room into a bed. He had stocked up on all kinds of cereal, pancake mix, sweets and even apples, which he had put demonstratively into the fruit bowl (which he had also bought for the occasion) on the counter.

Monica had dropped Lily off, his niece laden with two suitcases and her little backpack. _I thought you were staying two weeks, not moving in_! Richie had exclaimed. It’s that typical grown-up saying that he had never found funny as a kid, but Lily giggled nonetheless. Monica had given him a list with things to keep in mind, like Lily’s bedtime. _NOT TOO MUCH CANDY _had been underlined three times.

There had been a semi-tearful goodbye, Richie had promised to text Monica regularly and she had promised to call every evening to say goodnight, and then she had left.

Now, it was only Richie and Lily. Richie and Lily against the world.

He had been introduced to various stuffed animals, who he had all politely greeted and welcomed to his home. He had also promptly disregarded Monica’s warning and fed his niece with chocolate. After all, he has to earn his role as favourite uncle.

Currently, Lily is jumping up and down on the couch-bed (which does no longer look neatly made) screeching at Richie and begging him to join her. Richie knows that surely the sofa will break if he’d start to jump as well and Richie also knows that he’s forty and that, should he decide to jump, the sofa won’t be the only thing to break something.

‘Come on, Lils, stop it!’, he almost sounds like he’s begging. It hasn’t even been two hours and already, Richie is completely worn out. His niece just giggles and jumps even higher. _For her next birthday she’s getting a bloody trampoline_, Richie thinks.

‘If you stop jumping, we’ll watch a movie tonight. Your choice.’ Lily slowly calms down, now only slightly bobbing on her heels._ There you go. Good old bribery._

‘Do you have princess movies?’, she asks sceptically.

‘Honey, I have all the movies in the world.’ She considers this for a moment.

‘Can we watch _Tangled_?’, Lily asks and Richie nods furiously. Anything to get her to sit still.

‘Okay!’, Lily shrugs and jumps up and down one last time before sitting down on her makeshift bed.

‘What do we do now?’, her legs are hanging from the sofa and are jiggling. A look onto Richie’s own legs tells him that he’s also bouncing them. Toziers, it appears, can’t keep still.

‘Uhm’, Richie casts a look onto his watch. It’s only 4:30 in the afternoon, way too early to even think about dinner. Lily is growing more fidgety by the second.

‘Hey, did your mom say, you brought your scooter?’, he asks, an idea suddenly forming in his head.

‘U-huh’, Lily nods excitedly, ‘we left it downstairs.’

‘Wanna go to the park and grab dinner afterwards?’ Richie feels like this is a good idea on two accounts. Number one: Lily can run around for a couple of hours. Maybe she’ll make a friend who manages to tire her out. Number two: If they get dinner on their way home, Richie doesn’t need to cook. Thus, he won’t poison his niece, and this seems like a plus to him.

**\---------------------------------------**

The park isn’t too far away from Richie’s apartment complex, it takes them about twenty minutes to get there. Lily looks adorable in her yellow helmet, her dark-brown locks sticking out from underneath it. She’s wearing purple leggings with glittery stones on them and a black shirt with a skull (Richie got her that) and Richie marvels at how much like Monica she looks. He knows that people say that he and his sister look alike. _People must think she’s my daughter_, he thinks and somehow that thought scares him. He’s never thought about having kids and he’s never been in a relationship serious enough to consider it.

‘Uncle Richie, come on!’, Lily yells and Richie darts after her.

‘I’m gonna get ‘cha’, he shouts back and Lily squeals. She has deserted her scooter at the edge of one of the meadows but is still wearing her helmet. She’s got quite the head start on Richie but the amount of time it takes him to catch up to her is still alarming.

‘Aaargh’, her growls as he finally reaches her and picks her up, flinging her through the air. Lily is screaming with laughter.

‘I’m going to eat you now’, Richie puts on a deep voice, ‘it’s been too long, since I’ve had delicious children to eat.’ He opens his mouth wide and Lily is struggling against his grip, tying to escape, all while squealing with delight. Richie can’t keep a grin from briefly covering his face. Lily has always loved his voices; there was a time, Lily must have been about three and a half, when Monica had to call him every evening so he could read to his niece.

‘Mhmm’, Richie makes and pats his stomach with his free hand. Suddenly he can feel his phone vibrate in his pockets. He groans.

‘Okay, time out for a sec’, he says to Lily. A quick glance to the phone screen tells him, that his manager is calling him. He rolls his eyes.

‘I’ve got to take this’, he looks at Lily apologetically, but the girl just shrugs.

‘Steve’, Richie says as he answers the phone, ‘this isn’t a good time, can I call you back?’

‘I’ll make it quick’, Steve grunts at the other end of the line, ‘it’s good news. Your DVDs are selling great, buddy. And guess what?’ he doesn’t leave Richie any time to guess, ‘Netflix wants to make a special with you!’

‘What?’, Richie can’t quite believe what he’s hearing, ‘are you serious, man? That’s awesome!’

‘Totally serious’, Steve reassures him, ‘they want to shoot it during your next tour, so no need to worry about that just now. But they want to set up a contract and have a chat with you. Listen, I know it’s your time off, but I need you to come in next Tuesday at nine, okay buddy? This is huge.’

‘Yeah, yeah sure, Steve, no problem. Thanks man!’

‘Don’t thank me’, Steve says, ‘this one is on you. See ya next week.’ With these words Steve hangs up. _Shit_, Richie thinks, _shit this is really happening_.

‘Okay, Lils’, he says, ‘your uncle’s going to be super famous!’ There’s no answer and Richie turns to look at where Lily had been standing earlier. She’s nowhere to be seen.

‘Shit’, Richie mutters. He puts his hands to his mouth, forming an O. ‘Lily?’, he shouts, ‘Lily where are you?’ Again, there’s no answer. Of course, there isn’t.

‘Fuck’, he curses and begins to jog into the direction of her scooter, while continuing to shout Lily’s name. There! A flash of yellow can be seen in the grass, Lily’s helmet.

‘Lily!’, Richie shouts again and picks up the pace.

Lily is rolling around on the ground with a small bundle of fur, not a care in the world.

‘Fuck, Lily you can’t just run off like that! You scared me.’ He squats down next to his niece. The bundle of fur turns out to be a Pomeranian.

‘Sorry’, Lily says guiltily.

‘It’s alright, just don’t do it again, alright?’ Lily nods and turns back to the Pomeranian.

‘This is Penny’, she says and pets the dog on the head. Penny looks at Richie and growls slightly.

‘I don’t think she likes you that much’, a voice from above sounds. Richie looks up and is met by brown eyes.

‘Bullshit, all dogs love me’, Richie stands up. The owner of the brown eyes looks at him quizzically. _Damn_, Richie thinks. The guy is exactly his type: Shorter than him (he could comfortably rest his chin on his head), well-build, at least from what Richie can tell (the man’s black slacks are snug around his thighs), and just – just _so goddamn adorable_!

‘You swear an awful lot in front of your daughter’, the man comments.

‘She’s just my niece, I’m allowed to swear in front of her’, Richie replies and winks at Lily who giggles. The other man tilts his head slightly to the right.

‘Do I know you from somewhere? You look familiar.’

‘Uncle Richie is on TV!’, Lily beams and Richie nudges her to keep quiet, but really, he’s proud. Or rather, the pride in Lily’s voice makes him proud.

‘Oh!’, the man says, ‘you’re that Trashmouth guy, aren’t you? I don’t think you’re that funny.’ Richie’s face falls.

‘Well, that’s always lovely to hear.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry, I’m very blunt. I didn’t mean to offend you.’

‘No worries’, Richie interjects, ‘I’m open to criticism and all that shit.’ The other man winces and casts a quick look over to Lily at the curse word. Lily is contently rolling around on the grass with Penny. Richie’ll have to buy her new leggings, because he sure as hell won’t be trying to get those grass-stains out. They both watch Lily and the dog for a while.

‘Alright, Lils’, Richie says after a while. ‘I’m sure Penny and –‘, he looks at the man questioningly.

‘Eddie’, he supplies.

‘-Eddie are on their way to somewhere. Let’s say goodbye, okay?’

‘Nooo’, Lily whines and hugs Penny close to her. Penny pants.

‘Oh no, that’s okay really’, Eddie interjects, ‘we’re just on our daily walk, I’m sure Penny would much rather run around with - Lily, is it? – than to be stuck with an old man like me. I mean, unless you need to be somewhere?’, he looks at Richie. Richie shrugs.

‘We’ve got time’, he says. It might be good for Lily to get all the sugar out of her system. Lily squeals and jumps to her feet.

‘Come on, Penny!’, she says excitedly and runs into the opposite direction, Penny racing after her.

‘Not too far’, Richie yells after them, ‘ah, who am I kidding, she won’t listen to me.’

Eddie chuckles.

‘You wanna sit?’, he points to a park bench, ‘I wasn’t kidding about me being an old man, I’m dangerously unfit.’

‘Oh, come on’, Richie complains as they make their way to the bench, ‘you work out, don’t bullshit me.’

‘Not as much as I used to’, Eddie says.

‘You’re fit!’

Eddie blushes at that and a feeling of triumph spreads over Richie.

‘Do you look after your niece often?’, Eddie asks.

‘Not regularly, but her mom’s on business trip for two weeks.’

‘She’s gotta be a handful’, Eddie looks at Lily and Penny dashing around the park.

‘Severe ADHD and too much sugar today. That last one’s on me though.’

‘Still cute.’

‘She’s awesome’, Richie grins, ‘You got any children?’

‘God no’, Eddie sighs, ‘Just Penny.’

‘Oh no.’

‘What?’

‘Please don’t tell me you’re one of that weird dudes who refer to their pets as their children? I can’t fucking stand those people!’

Eddie blushes once more.

‘You are, aren’t you? Fuck, man that’s rough. Well’, Richie pretends to get up, ‘it was lovely making your acquaintance, but I can’t possibly allow my niece to converse with people like you. Goodbye, Eds.’

‘That’s not my name’, Eddie sulks.

‘That’s not your child either’, Richie gestures towards Penny, ‘I’m not even sure that’s a dog. It’s so small.’

‘You’re just mad, because she doesn’t like you.’

‘Bullshit’, Richie crosses his arms. Okay, maybe he’s a little mad. He’s never met a dog that doesn’t like him. It’s simply absurd!

‘Excuse me?’, a voice behind them says, ‘Are you Richie Tozier?’ Richie turns around to see a young girl, maybe around sixteen years old. He flashes her a smile.

‘Sure am!’

‘C-could I have a picture?’, she stammers.

‘Of course, darling’, he puts on his British accent, ‘Hey, Eds, would you take it for us?’

Eddie squints at him but doesn’t say anything in front of the girl. He gets up with an exaggerated sigh and takes the phone from the fan’s hand. The girl sits down next to Richie and he loosely puts an arm around her shoulder.

‘Say cheese or some shit like that’, Eddie says as he lightly crouches down to get the shot. His pants stretch over his thighs even more. Richie can feel his mouth beginning to water. He’s never known that he’s got a thing for thighs.

‘Cheeese’, they say in unison and Eddie hands the phone back to the girl.

‘Th-thank you so much’, she stammers and runs off. Richie turns to Eddie with a wide grin.

‘I’m not impressed by that’, Eddie states.

‘Oh, you so are’, Richie teases. It’s always an ego-booster when he gets recognized.

‘Just proves that there are teenagers out there who have horrendous taste.’

Richie punches Eddie in the arm playfully. ‘You know, you’re kind of a dick, Eds.’

‘My name is not Eds’, Eddie rolls his eyes.

‘Uncle Richie!’, Lily comes running towards them, Penny trailing behind her. ‘Can we go home now? I just remembered about _Tangled_!’ She turns to Eddie. ‘We’re going to watch _Tangled_ tonight’, she explains proudly, and Eddie gives her an impressed look.

‘Wow. I’ve never seen that.’

‘What?’, Richie says in pretend-shock, ‘Come on, Lily! We’ve got to get away from this heathen!’

‘What’s a heathen?’

Eddie chuckles.

‘I’ll explain when you’re older. What do you want for dinner, Chinese or Pizza?’ The distraction works and Lily jumps up and down excitedly, chanting _pizza_.

‘Alright then, say goodbye to Penny and Eddie.’

‘Bye Penny!’, Lily squats down to hug the dog. Richie bends down as well, to pet it on the head but it growls at him. Stupid, little thing.

‘Bye Eddie, thanks for letting me play with Penny!’, Lily says and grabs Richie’s hand.

‘Bye, it was nice meeting you!’, Eddie replies smiling.

‘Bye-bye, Eds!’

‘That’s not my fucking name, dickward!’

‘Eduardo!’, Richie gasps, ‘you can’t swear in front of a child like that!’

Lily only giggles and drags Richie in the opposite direction by his hand.

‘Bye, Eds!’ He calls over his shoulder and winks at him.

He’s pretty sure that he can see Eddie blushing again.


End file.
